The jokes on this page were published over the course of time in this site's monthly e-newsletter. They are good and original! However, the good ones may not be original, and the original ones aren't necessarily good...
Megaplex's monthly e-newsletter alerts you, the Sandton shopper, to all that is new, fresh, and exciting in Woodmead, Rivonia, Morningside, Morningside Manor, Gallo Manor, Wendywood and Petervale! We aim to bring you the best bargains, the most interesting restaurants, the liveliest shops. If it's not good, we'll also warn you about it. Subscribe here. See newsletters here: Previous Newsletters 2009-2012, January 2013, February 2013, March 2013, April 2013, May 2013.
Shopping Jokes: Back to top
You Know You are "Shopped Out" when...
The cashier asks how you are paying... you say "cash"... she asks "do you have any identification?"... you show her your ID... and neither of you realises your mistake!
The Best Present (December 2009)
Research shows that, more often than not, bought presents are a disappointment; recipients tend to value gifts at less than they cost to buy. This is logical, if you think about it, because unless you know someone really well, you will not know what they like. However there is one gift that can not be undervalued and is always appreciated, particularly in recessionary times. It does not require expensive gift-wrapping. It is colourful and decorative –containing pictures by South Africa's best artists– yet valuable in itself. It is available in five handy sizes, either directly from the manufacturer in Midrand, or at thousands of outlets countrywide, so you don't need to hunt for it. Ask at your nearest FIB, GRABSA, Sub-Standard, or Nerdbank for this season's hottest gift: Cash!
A Real Turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Pick 'n Pay, but couldn't find
one big enough for Christmas dinner.
The 3 Stages of Man:
He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Some After-Christmas "Bargains" (January 2010):
Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
The teenager carrying a shopping bag asked the fashion shop assistant, “My mother likes this outfit — may I exchange it?"
Man who see one shopping centre has seen the mall.
Two Yuppettes were shopping. They started to discuss their home lives. One said, "It looks like all Brendan and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 5 kg."
"Then why don't you just leave him?" asked her friend.
"Oh no, not yet," the first replied, "I want to drop another 5 kg first!"
Random Jokes: Back to top
On no subject in particular, they just took our fancy.
How to Leave the Casino with a Small Fortune...
...Go there with a large fortune!
More Fascinating Facts about Dogs
Did you know that all dogs have six legs? You didn't? You see, they have two hind legs at the back, and forelegs at the front... (groan)
Did you hear? The three most popular web sites on the internet, YouTube, Twitter and FaceBook, are going to capitalise on their success by amalgamating into one.
The new combined site will be called "YouTwitFace".
"If you could have a conversation with
someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
There is a stationery truck on the M1 North just past Grayston Drive. It's a Waltons van.
The Protestant minister, the Catholic priest and the Rabbi were debating when life begins.
"At conception", opined the Catholic priest.
"No, at birth", argued the Protestant minister.
"You're both wrong," said the older Rabbi: "Life begins when the dog has died and the children have left home!"
Tail-ender... (May 2010)
In advance of the World Cup, with the convenience of overseas visitors in mind, an extensive study of South African toilet paper has concluded that it is good on the (w)hole.
A teenage girl stops at the perfume counter. She sees “Obsession", “Sex In The City”, "Opium", "Goddess", “Dream Angels”, and "Beyond Paradise”. She says to the salesgirl, “I don't want to get emotionally involved; I just want to smell nice.”
Overheard (Aug 2010):
The man was in front of me at Our Mica was ordering 10,000 bricks. Alan, ever friendly and helpful, asked "may I ask what you're building?"
Replied the customer, "I'm making a braai for Heritage Day."
"That's a lot of bricks for one braai," said Alan.
"Not in this case. I live on the 10th floor.”
Don't Make a Hash of It
Phone answering machine message: "...If you want to buy dagga, press the hash key..."
At a party, the young man's aunt was introducing him to polite society.
A bookish matron, making conversation, asked him, "Dahling, do you like Kipling?"
Flustered, the young man stammered, "I ... I don't know ... I've never Kippeld."
Julius Jokes: Back to top
For those not familiar with South African humour, the first item explains the context. The character "Van der Merwe" has long been a staple in South African jokes but, with the New South Africa, change is looming...
Society News Just In
At a glittering ceremony held on a pun-filled evening at the Sandton Convention Centre, Van der Merwe retired as South Africa's National Joke Character and handed over the title to his successor.
In a short but moving speech, Van der Merwe said that he and his jokes were old and tired. He would enjoy laughing at someone else now that there was a worthy successor. He felt that in the spirit of transformation, other race groups should have a turn, and was therefore delighted with the public's choice.
Fighting off stiff competition from President Jacob Zuma and others, Julius Malema won the position.
In his acceptance, Mr Malema satirised how disadvantaged he was, how much he has suffered and how hard he had worked for the title, before leading the audience in the popular karaoke songs, "Love my Tender" and "I didn't join the Struggle to be poor" and spraying them with Möet et Chandon.
Overheard in the Bar...
The barman was walking along the bar taking orders:
One Evening on Airlink?
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. If you look out of the right-hand window you will see that we have lost an engine. This is not a problem: This aircraft is very safe and can fly comfortably on the remaining three. We will just be a bit short of thrust and consequently the flight to Cape Town will take about an hour longer."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain again. If you look out of the left-hand window you will see that we have lost a second engine. I'd like to reassure you that this aircraft can fly on the remaining two. However the flight will take two hours longer."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, your Captain here. I'm afraid that we have lost another engine. This plane can still stay airborne but the flight will take an extra four hours."
Julius turns to Van der Merwe and says, "Eish, if we lose another engine we are going to be up here all night!"
Buying a Chainsaw
Julius wants to cut down a row of scrappy pine trees at his new mansion.
He goes to Rivonia Builders Warehouse and asks to see the saws. The technical advisor tells him, "For what you want to do you need a really good chainsaw. This one will cut down all six trees in one day and let you cut them up into logs in another two all by yourself."
Julius takes the chainsaw home and begins on the first tree. After cutting for several hours and only getting part-way through, he decides to give up. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and not even cut down one tree?" he asks himself. "I will begin first thing on Sunday morning and cut all day." So, the next morning he gets up early and cuts and cuts, and finally fells the first tree.
He is convinced this is a bad saw. "I will take it back to the shop," Julius says to himself.
The very next day he takes the machine back and explains the problem. The advisor examines the chainsaw from all angles and says it looks fine. So he starts the chainsaw up.
Julius says, "What's that noise?"
Political News Just In
The Tripartite Alliance has broken up: The ANC Youth League will contest the next election as a separate party.
Watering in the Rain
Julius tells his gardener to water the garden.
"But Sir," protests the man, "it's raining!"
"I'm not an unreasonable employer," says Julius, "here, take this umbrella."
Julius went to the Makro sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to ANC Youth League members," was the reply. Julius hurried home and put on a hat, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Youth League members," he replied. "Eish, he still recognized me," thought Julius. He then went for a complete disguise: Rasta wig, false beard, new suit, dark glasses, and waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Youth League members".
Frustrated, Julius demanded, "How do you know I'm a Youth League member?"
The salesman said, "Because that's a microwave oven".
The Master Painter
After the fiasco with the chain saw, Julius felt he had to redeem himself as a handyman. He thought long and hard about a suitable project, and finally decided to repaint the living-room. He went to Our Mica, got some good paint, rollers and brushes. and set to work.
He had nearly finished when his friend Jacob dropped by unexpectedly. "Great job, Julius, but tell me one thing: Why are you painting the house wearing a dinner jacket and an overcoat?"
"It's in the instructions."
So Jacob looks on the paint tin and, sure enough, it says, "for best results, put on two coats".
Do I Have any Bids?
The Johannesburg High Court recently granted a judgement for R140,000 to a printing company against the ANC Youth League. The League is said to be considering defraying expenses by auctioning off its main asset, Julius Malema.
The mouth may be worn, but the brain should be in excellent condition: It's hardly been used.
A Dog's Life?
Julius takes his Rottweiler to Rivonia Vets: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says Anthea, "let's have a look
at him". She picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
Painting the Porch
Julius decides to use his painting skills to give back to society. He offers to paint something at old man's home for free. "What must I paint?" he asks the old man.
"The porch," he says and laughs.
"OK!" says Julius enthusiastically and sets to work. The old man walks into his house and his wife confronts him.
"Did you tell him that the porch goes right around the house?" she asks.
"No, but he wants to contribute, so let him do it properly".
An hour later Julius is back. "All finished; I had paint left over, so I put on a second coat".
"Amazing", says the man.
"And by the way," says Julius as he leaves, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
At the Checkout: Back to top
These usually appear at the end of the newsletter, obviously.
At the Checkout...
I was signing for my credit card purchase when the till operator noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She told me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. Fortunately, they matched.
At the Checkout...
My wife is an ardent environmentalist. She had written on the shopping list, "refuse bags". So, when I got to the checkout, I did.
At the Checkout...
As she was looking for her wallet, I noticed that the lady in front of me
in the queue had a remote control in her bag.
At the Checkout...
A friend was paying for his book when an idea struck him.
"What are the most popular books?" he asked, expecting romantic novels or mysteries.
"Recipe books", replied the bookshop assistant promptly.
"And the second-most popular books?"
At The Checkout
Mrs Cohen spotted a sign at Fruit and Veg City: "Two bags of Oranges for R25!".
She asked a shop assistant, "if two bags cost R25, how much does one bag cost?"
"R15", said the assistant.
"Fine", said Mrs Cohen, "I'll take the other one".
At The Checkout
An overseas visitor with a heavy accent needed some help at Pick 'n Pay 'n Pay.
"Vehr", he asked an assistant, "do you keep ze pepper?"
"What kind, sir", asked the assistant, "black pepper, white pepper, cayenne pepper?".
"Naaow you fool, writing pepper!"
As our contribution to the Lead SA initiative, we are trying to start a rumour in Asia that the world's most powerful aphrodisiac is found in rhino poachers' testicles.
Please pass on this information to all your contacts in the Far East.
At the Checkout
In the supermarket I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he crossed something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, “You know, if we really mess this up, mom will never let us do it again.”
Don't be disparaging about our jokes –treat them with respect: One day you, too, will be old and weak!
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